So here I am, sitting in my kitchen on another crisp and beautiful autumnal day. The sun rays are bouncing off the tray of Haw berries I picked early last week, which I will be dehydrating later this evening.
I had been intending to post this blog before the Autumn Equinox however, my body had other plans. I started feeling the shift last Monday and by Thursday, I was in the depth of it. Trying to hold myself upright was a challenge, I needed to rest.
I had already committed to making an apple crumble for a friend and fortunately, I had stewed the apples on Wednesday evening after choir. Sadly, I had to forfeit baking a cake and volunteering for another friend's wedding, and by Thursday, I was hanging. Trying to plan our evening meal, drop Boo off to school, and collect him from friends was a mission and a half and by the time Chris came home from work, I was ready to drop.
I had been expecting the shift, it often happens around the Equinox, and my body was asking for stillness. I was in bed early on Thursday evening and slept all day on Friday. I couldn’t work.
Through this time, my body was burning up, something big had been shifting since writing and publishing part 1 of this blog.
The uprising of hidden emotions that started in Spring, when my sister and I reconnected had been gently releasing, and allowing space for greater joy.
The New Moon and Equinox allowed the energy and space for a firmer release of the toxic people I let go of during summer, together with the grief, and the personas attached to victimhood.
I began to let go of the narrative attached to self-image, and honour and accept my body for its incredible intelligence and wisdom. What I saw in the mirror was just a reflection of an identity that was holding on to a story that wasn’t hers anyway.
The underactive thyroid (apparently common during menopause) that showed up, revealed the undertones of an autoimmune disease, that my Father also had.
I ate a slice of cake on Saturday and noticed the sugar, dairy, and wheat aggravated the thyroid and the inflammation that was caused by this had expanded the oesophagus, making breathing a tad difficult. As I opened the windows, taking in more oxygen, I began to relax and not fixate on any ‘conditions’. My body knew what to do. I breathed gently and slowly and remembered the techniques from breathwork classes.
Breathing allowed my nervous system to relax and my body to communicate more deeply. It was astounding with what showed up in the early hours of Monday morning. As I transmuted the echoes and imprints of a person I once was, I was grateful for the forced rest.
It’s so easy to neglect ourselves when you have a history of neglect and abuse. Whilst not dropping into the victim identity, I held myself with compassion, releasing the stuck emotion.
Whilst I do feel tired, the symptoms have gone and my body's natural immune system was strong enough to self-heal.
So what am I doing to exercise and tone my body?
Well, I’m learning to ride a bike of course!
I did have one lesson a couple of years ago and fell off in joy, and badly sprained my foot.
But this time I am relaxing into it and have a great teacher. Whilst I’m still finding my balance, it’s so much fun! I laughed at the bruises on my legs from where I was still getting used to the pedals. I am praising myself for a great sense of achievement and learning something people ordinarily learn as children.
The wind blowing through my hair was an incredible gift. I did manage a circuit as I kept pedaling, until of course I looked in the wrong direction, braked, and jumped off, incurring another bruise.
I’ll also be starting pilates and aqua-fit soon, and in time, will take swimming lessons again.
It’s been an interesting ride of self-inquiry and this continues to unfold. As we shed those old identities, we reveal more of who we are. I’m becoming a master of navigating my life and focusing on what brings me joy and this balances the mundane day-to-day stuff.
I am who I am, and becoming more of myself and enjoying this process of being. I certainly need a holiday and plan to take much more time off next year and include my needs and desires into my daily life.
I feel much stronger and clearer in my body and look forward to long autumnal walks in and around our beautiful English countryside.
With love and joy
Catalyst ~ Mentor
Re-design Your Life