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Well, here I am, in my kitchen, where the sun is shining outside and the blazing rays are streaming in through the blinds, rejuvenating my house plants, who all sit in the kitchen absorbing the glorious light codes and life force. They look so vibrant, green, and lush!
It’s the first proper week back at school for many children across England and I can imagine many parents are attempting to catch up with themselves after the summer holidays.
It started off as an emotional week. I do feel the global consciousness that was directed toward the atrocities of 9/11 had heightened the tears and sadness, together with the overflow of grief and collective trauma.
It was and still is a terrible loss of lives. My heart goes out to all the innocent people who were victims of this deliberate attack, and I feel for the families and friends who have lost loved ones.
The grief washed over me on Tuesday morning in many ways. I couldn’t get into my core and it felt like a heavy blanket, that was dripping in tears was draped over me, and made it difficult to move easily.
I was still tired from an eventful weekend, and the desire to hide under the covers was all I wanted to do, but I had made commitments and needed to follow through.
I was inspired by my sister to go to the gym and having mentioned it to a friend, she too felt she would like to go. As if by magic, the local fitness centre was offering a free pass to trial the gym, without having to make a financial contribution or join straight away.
I donned my gym kit, feeling a huge dread in my body. I had already put it off and wasn’t feeling it.
I jumped into the car and parked up. When I got there, the car park was full. I felt stifled.
The lady behind the reception desk greeted me warmly and walked me round to the gym studio. We stood at the bottom of the steps and I looked up at the studio and froze. I couldn’t move. I started to feel nauseous and dizzy. She asked if I was okay, and I said I needed a minute. My head was spinning.
I stepped aside, breathed slowly, told myself it would be okay, took a sip of water, and went in.
I fumbled with the seat of a bike of some type and began to pedal. The machine had a dashboard with various channels. It was all a bit too much.
I felt uncomfortable as it had been about 10 years since I last went to a gym. I sat, cycled, and after 3 minutes and 41 seconds, I got up, grabbed my bag from the locker, thanked the lady at reception, said it wasn’t the right time for me, and left the gym
I jumped into my car, drove home, fumbled with the house keys, and dropped my water bottle, which smashed on the ground.
Breathe.
I emptied the water and dropped the bottle into the recycling box.
Breathe.
I opened my front door, dropped my bag, took my head into my hands, and sobbed! I sobbed and sobbed.
I was grateful to be home alone. Shame washed over me.
I have been body conscious for a long time, well, menopause actually, and whilst I don’t sit on my butt all day, I couldn’t work out why I couldn’t shift the excess weight that had been piling on.
With a New Moon in the early hours of Friday 15th September, my deeper challenges had been pushed up to the surface.
I don’t hate myself. I don’t hate my body, either. I don’t hate anyone or anything. Full stop!
I am frustrated that I can’t shift the weight around my belly and why at times, I feel exhausted.
Before someone assumes it’s a condition or disease, please stop, this isn’t your story.
I eat well and healthily and reach for sweet things when I am over-tired and need the energy to get through the day.
I walk a lot behind the bar I work at, and I walk a lot around my local town.
A couple of years ago, I attempted the couch to 5k. It wasn’t completed, I didn’t have the energy. I eventually let it go and found I was beating myself up.
This time, I am not beating myself up. I had compassion and empathy.
When I consoled myself, I messaged my herbalist friend and asked if there were some herbs I could take to help release the excess weight. She said there would be something, but we would need to have a long chat.
I could sense the desire to be lean and fit again being a long and winding road.
In my head, I went over what I had eaten differently over the last few weeks. Well, of course, we had my gorgeous niece’s wedding, and over 10 days, we ate fried food, delightful Punjabi dals and curries, Indian sweets, and pizza. I ate more wheat than usual and didn’t feel sluggish then. As a rule, I don’t fry food at home and cook most of our meals.
Whilst I wore some beautiful clothes over the wedding, I was underneath, body conscious.
I did a salt flush to cleanse my colon after the wedding and returned to my normal eating plan which included more fresh food than cooked, and balanced it with the right proteins.
My body is a sacred vessel for my human experience, and so treating it with love is key. I don’t deprive myself of food, many know how much I love to cook, bake, and eat. But I don’t feel the need to gorge.
So after much deliberation, I sat with myself and asked why I felt what I did at the gym.
My body doesn’t like the gym.
I feel trapped at the gym and it represents many negative attributes to the physical body. I was raised being repeatedly told I was fat and ugly. Old wounds sink deep. The gym doesn’t do it for me.
It was very difficult to love myself a few years ago, let alone receive love and affection from another. But that’s a story for another day.
The last 10 years of being self-employed had locked me into many identities that I didn’t identify with. I felt enslaved to a system and as a free spirit, this wasn’t good for my soul. I fought and battled hard with the many demands put upon me whilst raising my child and running a micro business.
I haven’t walked a path of authenticity to undo it again.
Whilst I don’t feel ugly, or unattractive, my body needs to tone and release excess weight.
The last few months have been deep, and an inward journey, and whilst I ordinarily juice and fast intermittently from late Spring to late Summer, this wasn’t what my body needed this year.
My body has been protecting my heart from the wounds of the past, and over my niece's wedding, I was able to let go and cut ties with those who attributed to the painful wounding. Those people were incredibly toxic, and to save me from any more of their narcissistic, hurtful ways, the excess weight around my body has been my armour.
Post Menopause, my metabolism has been low and I am making wiser choices to reset my body again.
Equally, with the universal shift of a new earth, our bodies are also going through a transformation of shedding lower frequencies, letting go of outdated beliefs and stories, and for me, and maybe you too, the physical body, being dense matter, takes a little longer to change.
I also haven't had the time, or the ingredients to make all the natural, sugar-free treats I often do (I'll do this over the weekend).
While I listen to my emotions, I’m not one to wallow in self-pity, so I called the medical centre and asked for guidance and help. I felt talking to someone would be a good thing. And it was. The lovely lady I met yesterday listened to me and heard my story. She showed compassion and empathy and acknowledged that this is a time of transformation and affects all women.
I recognise I was trying to run before I could walk, but we concluded that she would connect me to a person with alternative views that are aligned with my way of being. It was good to talk more deeply and be heard by another woman who had experienced menopause and a shift in direction and physical form.
I don’t have a full-length mirror at home, and neither do I keep scales. I have no desire to be a size zero or size anything. I just want to tone up again and strengthen my body.
I am good with my vulnerability, and listening to my inner voice is key to my transformation.
I find as women, we don’t often share the real stories of our lives and we gloss over stuff that we are unwilling to share, or are too frightened of being judged. However, I feel being authentic doesn’t allow this for me. Being real allows me to connect with people on a deeper level and talk about what is showing up so that it can be acknowledged and transformed.
The journey of self-love is an inward deep dive, and being okay with where you are at, without self-sabotage, self-hatred, and negative self-talk is key.
Next time, I will share what I am doing to raise my fitness levels and more of what brings me joy. I am okay with being a work in progress, and we go through peaks and troughs as life unfolds.
Thank you, for taking the time to read this. Please share if it resonates and also comment, I like to interact.
With love and joy
Kamaljit
xxx
Catalyst ~ Mentor
Re-design Your Life
@1amkamaljit
